A Day in the Life of a Narnian Mary Sue
by GuitarGirl247
Summary: Just another stressful, eventful, Peter-adoring, lyke-teh-omg-letz-saiv-Nornia, adventure-filled day in the life of a Narnian Mary Sue.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own nor did I create Narnia or anything related to it. This fanfic is my own work, though. :)**

A Day in the Life of a Narnian Mary Sue

While in the midst of painting her nails a bright hot pinkish-like color, Maryellen Susannah heard her cell phone ring. Surprised, Maryellen Susannah smudged her bright hot pinkish-like color all over her thumb.

She let out a frustrated "Ugh!111 Lyke, teh I hayt ths!111"

All that pent-up frustration vanished when she realized her caller was none other than…

"LYKE, TEH OMG!11 ITZ LYKE MY BESTIST BFF EVA!111"

Forgetting that her bright hot pinkish-like color nail polish was not quite yet finished drying, she flipped open her metallic pink cellular telephone, not caring about the three nails that she broke.

"Lyke, teh hi!1"

"Lyke, OMG, ur lyke nawt gunna buleev ths!1"

"Lyke, teh OMG! Lyke, teh wut happnd?/"

"My bf lyke broke up wit mee!1 Lyke, teh OMG I cnt buleev him!1"

"Lyke, teh OMG! Tht lyke jurk-fayce!11"

"IKR!111"

"Lyke teh y?/ Ur lyke, teh secnd mst prettiest bestist all arnd most amaysin persin, lyke EVA!1 Beesides me, ov corse!1"

"OMG!1 Lyke, rlli?//"

"Lyke teh DUH! So, lyke tell me, lyke y wuld he lyke do tht 2 u?/"

"Becuz he tinkz Im lyke teh uhnoyin."

And the two BFFs squealed on and on about how boys were "lyke teh dumest ppl lyke eva!1". And Maryellen Susannah proposed that she and her BFF both kick her ex-boyfriend's butt, to keep the language clean for the little ones.

"So, lyke lets lyke meat at hiz hous at lyke midnite" suggested Maryellen Susannah.

"Lyke, teh I cnt w8!1"

Then Maryellen Susannah glanced downward to examine her asymmetrically painted bright hot pinkish-like color nails, analyzed the three broken ones, and after about thirty minutes she realized that her nails were "lyke teh mest up!1". With a loud sob followed by an unidentifiable noise that I will simply describe as the sound only a banshee singing amateur karaoke could accomplish, Maryellen Susannah had a meltdown ("Lyke, teh gasp!1").

After regaining her "lyke, teh kewlness" Maryellen Susannah quickly yet gracefully grasped her nail polish remover and a bag of cotton balls, sat down on her plush pink rug which remained untouched after the bright hot pinkish-like color nail polish fiasco.

She looked wistfully at the bottle of bright hot pinkish-like color nail polish, and discovered that she had wasted half an ounce of nuclear-bright nail polish and three acrylic nails. Once more, she sobbed and made that horrible banshee-singing-amateur-karaoke sound again.

"Lyke, teh, teh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1"

And Maryellen Susannah buried her head in her bright hot pinkish-like colored hands, only to look up again into her dressing-room like mirror to see that her unfathomable amount of eye makeup was smudged. Eyeliner, mascara, concealer (as though she needed it), eyeshadow, and everything else streamed down her cheeks, only making matters worse for Maryellen Susannah.

At midnight, however, Maryellen Susannah looked flawless as usual, without the slightest trace of the preceding bright hot pinkish-like color nail polish and broken acrylic nail dilemma. In her impossibly high "staiek owt Stiletoez", her long blonde waterfall of hair pulled neatly into a perfect ponytail, and her eye makeup flawlessly re-created, she looked… well… as flawless as usual.

Her slightly less perfect "bestist BFF eva!1" looked plain in comparison, in spite of the fact that her looks were almost exactly that of Maryellen Susannah. However, since Maryellen Susannah is the more perfect one of the two, and not to mention, the main character, Maryellen Susannah's "bestist BFF eva" clearly does not deserve a name.

Anyway, they both crouched as best as they possibly could with their sky-high heels and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Until Maryellen Susannah grew impatient, hastily took off one of her "staiek owt Stiletoes" and threw it at her "bestist BFF eva's" ex-boyfriend's window, smashing it into a million shards with a force that could never be measured by Newtons alone, and could not be exerted by a Mary Sue. The security alarm sounded, and Maryellen Susannah ran as fast as she could, looking rather comical wearing one ridiculously high Stiletto and no shoe at all on the other. She ran a total of three feet before being tapped on the shoulder by something cold and metallic.


	2. Chapter 2

"Lyke, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!1111 A SOWRD!11111"

And once again, Maryellen Susannah's brain took quite a bit of time to realize that the intervention was none other than…

"LYKE, TEH OMG!1 PETEYKINZ!11 I LYKE, SOW TEH MOOVEE LYKE 2 HUNDRID TIMEZ!1"

Maryellen Susannah seized and without a doubt strangled "Peteykinz", who was in full battle attire, in a tight embrace.

With a look of sheer disgust and his face slowly turning a deep blue, Maryellen Susannah's "twoo luvv" managed to choke out a reply.

"Errrm… Indeed, yes. Greetings, err… no, I don't believe I recognize you at all."

"Peteykinz! OMG! Ur soooooo funi! LOL! Lyke, u dnt no who I am!"

"Actually, I'm being perfectly honest, I really don't know you. And please explain how you can possibly manage to misspell every word you _say_."

Maryellen Susannah, oblivious to the jab at her poor language arts skills, only embraced the unfortunate High King of Narnia tighter. If that were possible.

"Lyke, Peteykinz, silli! Itz, lyke, me! Maryellen Susannah Johnson-Smith-Fernandez-Jones-Brown-Jackson-Richards-Finch-Peterson-Crawford-Oh-My-Goodness-This-Is-A-Really-Long-Last-Name-Like-The-Longest-Last-Name-In-The-History-Of-All-Last-Names-Goldensun!1111"

"Ahh, yes. Wonderful. Now do me a favor?"

"Nething 4 u, my twoo luvv ov my lyfe!"

"Anything?"

"Ov corse!1"

"Splendid. Well then…"

At this point, Peter inhaled the deepest breath any human being or High King of Narnia could ever possibly inhale, and spoke (shouted).

"GO TO GRAMMAR SCHOOL, STUDY A LITTLE, RAISE YOUR LOW IQ LEVEL, LEARN TO TAKE A HINT, QUIT BEING IRRATIONAL, QUIT BEING A COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL BLONDIE, TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THE FACT THAT I JUST MET YOU, DO NOT JUMP TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I DON'T, RESPECT ME AND MY ATHOURITY AS HIGH KING OF NARNIA, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY LET GO OF ME YOU BLONDE-HEADED, CONCEITED, OBLIVIOUS, DELUSIONAL, PETTY, MAKEUP-WEARING SHE-DEMON!"

About five endless minutes later, Maryellen Susannah finally let go of Peter, who was now panting after his long tirade. But poor Peter's tirade was useless, for the only part Maryellen Susannah understood was that he was screaming and that he said "I love you" although he never meant it in that context.

"Sumbodyz crankee!1"

"Oh, shut up."

"Ohh, Peteykinz, our luvv iz lyke, teh inviteble! U luvv me, u jst dnt no it yet!1"

"Inevitable. You idiot, you spelled it wrong! And do you even have a clue as to what that means?"

"Lyke, teh NOPEE!1 Butt werdz meen nuthin!"

On that note, Maryellen Susannah took "Peteykinz's" hand gently and cradled it in hers. "Peteykinz" didn't look particularly happy, but Maryellen Susannah was busy in her own little world, swooning about how their love was "lyke, teh inviteble" to notice or even care.


	3. Chapter 3

"Lyke, tayk me in2 Nornia!"

"I can't."

"Lyke, teh y nawt?/"

"I can't, because you'll probably destroy it."

"LOL! Noo, I wnt!1 I pinkee-pormize!11"

Peter had never realized how beautiful and amazingly flawless Maryellen Susannah was until he took the time to actually look at her. Maryellen Susannah was so slow that she didn't catch him staring until he looked away. Perchance it was the drool that gave it away.

"Lyke, wut r u lukkin at?/"

"Nothing." Peter said, monotonously.

"Ohh."

Maryellen Susannah's other twelve inch Stiletto was stolen by a raccoon, and Maryellen Susannah was now barefoot.

The two "luvv burdz" strolled together, beneath a full moon that reflected upon a nearby lake. The lake led into the magical, mythical land of Narnia.

"Lyke, teh OMG!1 Theirz 2 mouns!"

Peter spoke softly and slowly, as if he were talking to a child.

"No. There is only one moon. See that lake?"

The clueless Maryellen Susannah replied faintly.

"Mmm-Hmmmmmmmm."

With a deep sigh, Peter replied.

"That lake leads Narnia."

"LYKE, TEH OMG!11 NORNIA!111 RLLI?////////"

"Yes. Really."

"Ohh. I new tht."

Peter sighed once more, then dove into the lake, rippling the surface, distorting the face of the second moon.

"PETEYKINZ!1 WARED U GO!1 OMG!1 HELLLLPP! HELLLP!1 OMG!1 HELLLLLLPPPP!1"

Then, something that never happened to a Mary Sue ever in the entire history of Mary Sues happened at that moment.

Maryellen Susannah _thought_. The thought was still poorly structured and horribly misspelled, but she actually _thought_.


	4. Chapter 4

_Peteykinz iz in dayngr. I msut hellp my twoo luvv. I msut saiv him._

"I wil saiv him!"

She donned her determined face and dived into the lake.

Little did Maryellen Susannah know that her "twoo luvv" was, in fact, _not_ in any danger at all, nor did he need saving or help.

Or did he?

No, he didn't.

But nevertheless, the heroically unwavering Maryellen Susannah dived into the lake, forgetting that the lake was actually more or less a portal to Narnia and that she didn't know how to swim. All her makeup, jewelry, and the skimpy clothes she was wearing weighed her down and her lungs turned to flames. The struggling Maryellen Susannah tried to breathe the water in (big shock there), thinking she'd turn into a mermaid (even bigger shock). She was wrong. Way wrong (okay, this whole scenario is appalling).

In the midst of her strife, a hand caught her wrist. She screamed in spite of her lack of breath and was yanked down a deep, dark underwater chasm. Maryellen Susannah's vision went blurry and then turned black.


	5. Chapter 5

Maryellen Susannah slowly returned to consciousness, a bright light above her head, her breathing restored, she felt reborn, brand new. An open mouth was just inches from her own.

"Peteykinz, if u wana kiss me, go ahedd."

"Are you… alright?"

"Peteykinz, my luvv, I'm fieyn! Am I in care parvil?/ Lyke, teh kewlnis! Nd tht was katistrophc!1"

A bitter, caustic voice spoke before anyone else could respond.

"Can you spell that, Blondie?"

It was Queen Susan the Not-So-Gentle.

"Yah!1 Itz eezy! Lyke, teh… teh… teh… uhmm… k… a… uh… uhmm… teh…"

"Don't hurt yourself, Blondie."

Another voice, this one resentful, came in.

"Shut up, Susan."

This time, it was Edmund.

"Lyke, teh yah!1 Shuht up, Suzin!1 Ur fayce iz uglii!11"

"I'll make your face ugly, that's what I'll do! You keep talking, Blondie, watch what happens!"

"Or wut? Ull brake a meeror?/"

"I'll break your _neck_!"

The two girls continued quarreling, and in the midst of it all, Peter spoke, barely audible over the bickering.

"Ed? Please break this up before these threats aren't threats anymore."

"Yessir. LADIES!"

One word was enough to silence the girls completely.

"Susan, what is it with you? Lately you've been acting less like yourself and more like… well… like a…"

"Say it Edmund. I'm sure Blondie here would enjoy hearing it."

"…A white witch."

Blondie - I mean, Maryellen Susannah burst into fits of musical laughter.

"SHUT UP, BLONDIE!"

"Lyke, teh OMG!1 I lyke, hav a naiym nd itz _nawt_ Blondee!11"

"Oh, really? Well, guess what? _Nobody cares_!"

"Lyke, Peteykinz duz!1 My naiym iz Maryellen Susannah, nd I am Peteykinz's twoo luvv nd fyootir wyfe!1"

"Maryellen Susannah? What in the name of Aslan's How sort of name is that? And why in Narnia would _Peter_ want to marry you?"

"_Peteykinz_ iz my twoo luvv! Ov corse he'd wana marie me! Lyke, teh DUH! OOH!1 In ur plane fayce!11"

"Shut up, _Blondie_!"

"Itz Maryellen Susannah, wiet wich, git it strate!1"

"SUSAN!"


	6. Chapter 6

The argument ended when a little girl intervened. Lucy the Valiant, the youngest Queen of Narnia.

"Hello, there! I'm Queen Lucy the Valiant."

"Lyke, teh adorblenis!1 Lyke, teh hi! Im lyke, Maryellen Susannah."

Maryellen Susannah transitioned seamlessly and perfectly from her I'll-beat-you-up-if-you-give-me-any-trouble face to her hi-wanna-be-friends face. Lucy, astounded by Maryellen Susannah's radiant and astonishing beauty, curtsied politely.

"Lyke, teh no nead 2 bow. Im lyke, teh humbil!1"

A snort was heard coming from Susan's direction.

"Don't mind her, Maryellen Susannah. She is envious and bitter. You have a beautiful name, by the way. It fits your beautiful face."

"Im lyke, teh flatturd!1 U rlli tink so?/"

Of course, Maryellen Susannah was playing clueless (or was she?). That was her main tactic to receiving compliments that she really didn't need (her head was just the right size, it didn't need to be any larger, no thank you.) and it worked every time she used this trick. Lucy's eyes, by the way, were a milky, murky white. Maryellen Susannah used hypnosis as well. Peter was drooling, Edmund was probably off somewhere hating the world and inflicting pain upon himself, and Susan was clenching her fist in the hope that it would not fly and "accidentally" hit Maryellen Susannah in the face.

"Maryellen Susannah, would you like to come training with us?"

"Lyke, teh advintur!1 Lyke, lit me got reddi!1"

Three hours later, Maryellen Susannah emerged wearing a swan dress, a raccoon hat, and a bear fur cape round her neck, looking like every environmentalist and animal lover's worst nightmare, yet still managing to look amazingly amazing and astonishingly astonishing. On her perfectly sized feet were a pair of furry fourteen inch Stilettos. This was her hunting outfit.

Susan's jaw dropped so low, no doubt it would've broke through the marble floors of Cair Paravel and dug a three mile deep hole beneath the castle's foundation.

When the two Kings and the two Queens and the one Blondie were outside, Maryellen Susannah spotted a tree that was significantly taller than the rest.

"Lyke, teh OMG!111 A tweeee!11"

Peter was hesitant to let his "twoo luvv" climb a tree. She risked breaking all two hundred and six bones in her body, but that was nothing compared to the ten nails that would break as well.

"Uh, Maryellen Susannah? I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

"Reelacks, Peteykinz! I cin handull ths!1"

Maryellen Susannah then began to (attempt to) climb the tree. Since none of the lower branches could be obtained by the manicured hands of a Mary Sue, Maryellen Susannah had to wrap her legs around the trunk of the tree and slide her way up. She reached for the lowest branch and clumsily yet successfully grabbed hold of it. She then reached for the next branch, which was thicker and more sturdy than the last. After a while, she reached a reasonable altitude and stood up on the branches. Peter climbed up afterwards and was at the same altitude at nearly three times the rate Maryellen Susannah managed to climb at.

"Lyke, teh owch!1"

Maryellen Susannah had broken a nail. Lifting her hand to examine it, she sobbed and cursed. She lifted the other hand to check it for any broken or chipped acrylic nails, not putting the first hand back, and in three milliseconds flat, she fell, groping for nothing but air. She landed on the grass with a sickening _splat_.


	7. Chapter 7

"Lyke, teh owch!1"

Maryellen Susannah weaved her fingers through her cascade of gold in an attempt to find the source of pain. She split her head wide open and as she was processing the whole predicament, her once golden hair was slowly changing into a bright pink. Maryellen Susannah, like any other Mary Sue, had bright pink blood flowing through her veins.

It wasn't the loss of blood that caused Maryellen Susannah to pass out, so much as it was the smell.

Maryellen Susannah awoke days later, the smell of her own blood still lingering in her nostrils. Maryellen Susannah didn't lose any memory. Besides, she didn't have a brain to hold any memory. The only damage done was the gash on her head and the partly pink hair.

"Lyke, teh wut happind?/"

"You fell, Blondie."

It was Susan. Only much less bitter.

"Listen, Blondie, I apologize for being so rude earlier."

"Lyke, teh itz ok."

"I… well, I… I was wondering… I was wondering if we…"

"If we culd b frendz?/"

"Yes."

"Lyke, teh shur. I ges. Y nawt?"

Susan felt a wave of relief come over her, which she expressed in a single sigh. The two former nemeses sat in utter, awkward silence until Susan decided she'd done her part and left.

"Lyke, she iz soooooo plaeyn!11 Imma giv her a maykova!11"

A long painful silence was subsequent to Maryellen Susannah's important decision, a silence so agonizing, it suffocated Maryellen Susannah.

Meanwhile, the bitter and resentful was attempting to talk some (common) sense into Peter, who was lovestruck and could only speak of how Maryellen Susannah was "perfect in every way".

"Peter, can't you see? She's brain washed you!"

"Has not! You're just _jealous_."

Peter spat the word out like a piece of Maryellen Susannah's super-mega-sugary-pink bubble-gum.

"Am not! You're being ridiculous. Have you ever noticed that every time someone with a name like Maryanne Suzanne or Mary-Jane Susie, you go completely bonkers? Susan, Lucy, and I have noticed a pattern. They're all _Mary Sues_!"

"Well Maryellen Susannah is _not_ a Mary Sue! I don't even know what that is."

And so Edmund began the rather long explanation that is the only way to explain precisely what a Mary Sue is.

"Mary Sues are unhealthily obsessed fan girls. Narnian Mary Sues tend to take your character to their fancy. They're so perfect it's rather obnoxious, but no one ever notices their flaws, like the fact that they have unusually low IQ levels, that they can't spell or talk properly, and that their thoughts and sentences have typos, although it's humanly impossible to spell a sentence wrong if you're speaking.

"Mary Sues possess special abilities that enable them to get whomever or whatever they desire. In most cases, that would be you…"

Peter was listening intently, all traces of lovestruckness gradually vanishing from his eyes. As Edmund rambled on and on about Mary Sues and their nature, Peter only heard a few sentences out of all… ten thousand?

"And they bleed pink blood… and they are extremely erotic… they always call you "Peteykinz"… their shoes are too tall… they can never decide what color their eyes are… they adore anything pink, furry, expensive, or Peter-related… and… Peter, are you listening?"

"Yes?"

"Alright, then. You understand now?"

Peter nodded, finally realizing that all along his "twoo luvv" was… I don't need to explain what a Mary Sue is again, do I?


	8. Chapter 8

Back in Maryellen Susannah's room somewhere in the tallest tower in Cair Paravel (Alright, so maybe Susan was hoping Maryellen Susannah would jump out a window), Maryellen Susannah was grieved and lonely.

"Lyke, teh I wisch Peteykinz wuz heer!1"

As if on cue, "Peteykinz" entered the room, dumbfounded at the sight of her utter perfection. He began to stare and emit salivary residue ("Lyke, teh grows!1 Drouwl!1"). Maryellen Susannah blurted out her joyous-victorious-excited-omg-I-just-got-a-new-pair-of-shoes noise.

"Lyke, teh SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!1111111"

The noise was so high-pitched and shrill that the citizens of Archenland and Calormen could hear. The birds in the trees nearby flew at the sound, windows broke, creatures writhed in pain and terror, dwarves, centaurs, and fauns screamed, villages burned, and children cried for their mommies. The sound reverberated, tripling the chaos it brought about. So more birds flew from their trees, more windows broke, more creatures writhed in pain and terror, more dwarves, centaurs, and fauns screamed, more villages burned, and more children cried for their mommies. The rulers of Archenland and Calormen sent out search parties to identify the cause of such a horrible noise and put an end to such madness. And the merpeople weren't too pleased either.

Peter, deafened by the sound, his hair windblown and standing straight up from Maryellen Susannah's breath, spoke loudly in a useless attempt to hear himself.

"WHAT? DID YOU SAY SOMETHING? CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?"

Maryellen Susannah's noise still echoed and could still be heard clearly. Still laying in her bed, Maryellen Susannah grinned so widely, her perfectly-sized, bandaged head barely had enough room for her smile.

"LYKE, TEH OMG!11 I MIST U!1111"

"WHAT?"

"LYKE, WARE WUR U?///"

"DID SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING? SUSAN! WAS THAT YOU?"

"Lyke, teh NOOOOOO!11 Sileee!1 Itz mee!1 Maryellen Susannah!1"

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I AM NOT INCOMPETENT!"

"Lyke, I didnt sai u wur, sileee!1"

"I AM WHO I AM, SUSAN! SO LET ME BE MYSELF! AND QUIT JUDGING ME!"

Maryellen Susannah finally began to understand that something was wrong with "Peteykinz".

"Peteykinz?/ Lyke, teh wut happind?//"

As though Maryellen Susannah had said the magic words, Peter's hearing was now fully functional.

"Someone kept calling me incompetent. And idiotic. And they kept judging me."

"I no wut wuld mayk u feal bettr…"

Peter slowly looked up to see Maryellen Susannah's bandaged head and partially-pink-the-rest-the-usual-blonde colored hair. She looked a bit disordered, yet somehow she still managed to look flawless.

"What exactly do you think will make me feel better?"

Maryellen Susannah flashed a devious smile. Her eyes gleamed, a conniving thought ("OMG!11") entering that brainless head of hers.

Peter caught onto the scheme as Maryellen Susannah slid over in her bed and gestured for him to lay beside her.

"Oh no."

Peter, shaking his head, mouthed the words. Maryellen Susannah nodded her head, that wily grin still upon her face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! NEVER!"

It was at that moment Peter finally came to his senses, snapped out of his Maryellen Susannah-induced trance, and mustered enough energy to scurry out of the room, screaming words that I shall not type, write, or publish for those words are not appropriate for children.

Gasping for his breath after having hollered with such great volume (not nearly enough to match the volume level of Maryellen Susannah's high-pitched squeal of delight, yet it was still quite loud), and panting from sprinting down five flights of marble stairs, Peter stopped to look up at the faces of his three younger siblings.


	9. Chapter 9

"Please explain to us what happened up there, Peter."

Susan spoke softly without any accusation, only a look of concern that matched Edmund and Lucy's exactly.

"She wanted me… to… to… she wanted me to…"

Peter couldn't find himself able to say the words (fortunately for me, I don't have to censor them out), and instead tried to imitate with his fingers.

"What's he doing?

Lucy, who was still young and didn't really need to know any of this, was curious.

"I'll tell you when you're older."

Edmund didn't particularly wish to explain. Susan's look of worry morphed into a look of sheer horror and shock.

"She _WHAT_?"

"You know exactly what."

"I can't believe her!"

"Neither can I."

"Should I go check on her? She's most likely bawling her eyes out."

"Please. I'm not going back up there."

Susan tread sluggishly up the stairs, and midway up the third flight of stairs Susan was within earshot of Maryellen Susannah's weeping.

"Lyke, teh Y PETER?/"

It was the first time Maryellen Susannah used the name he was given at birth.

"Lyke, teh Y?/"

Susan showed no sign of hurry in her ascent. As a matter of fact, she was taking her own sweet time climbing up the remainder of the stairs.

When she finally reached the landing of the fifth flight of stairs, she heard Maryellen Susannah call faintly:

"Peter, iz tht u?/"

Susan almost pitied the poor blonde. There was so much sorrow in Maryellen Susannah's musical voice that Susan couldn't help but feel sympathy. She responded softly:

"Blondie, it's Susan."

Maryellen Susannah replied halfheartedly.

"Ohh. Lyke, teh hai, Suzin."

"Are you… alright?"

"No."

The poor heartbroken Maryellen Susannah let out a few sobs, and seemingly endless fits of tears and "Lyke, teh y, Peter?/" ensued. Susan remarked that Maryellen Susannah took rejection pretty well (not really).

"May I come in?"

"Shur."

Susan turned the ornate doorknob and the door slowly creaked open. Maryellen Susannah's eyes were glassy and rimmed with red, all eye makeup washed from her face, streaming in rivers of many colors and staining her clothes.

"Maryellen Susannah, what happened?"

"Peter broked my hart!11"

"How exactly did he do that?"

"Wel, he camee in nd I sed 'OMG I MIST U!11' nd than he sed 'my hed hertz' and I sed 'I no wut wuld mke u feel bettr!1' and he said 'oh no, no, NEVER' nd I uset 2 luvv him butt now I dnt!1"

Susan was amazed that Maryellen Susannah was capable of saying a sentence of that length without crying or hurting herself. Remembering their recent treaty, Susan kept her sarcastic thoughts to herself.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Cin u tlk 2 Peter 4 me?"

"I will."

Susan left the room and Maryellen Susannah, who was now filled with hope.

"Lyke teh thx, Suzin!11"

Susan muttered under her breath.

"Don't mention it. Or get your hopes too high."

Susan, when back downstairs with her siblings, dismissed the youngest two and addressed the matter to Peter.

"She's a mess, Peter. A total mess. You have to go talk to her."

"If I do, she'll get the wrong message and try to make a move on me!"

"Oh, stop. You're being ridiculous."

"Am not! She left an important detail out didn't she?"

"Not that I know of."

"What exactly did she say?"

Susan rolled a flashback.

"_Maryellen Susannah, what happened?"_

"_Peter broked my hart!11"_

"_How exactly did he do that?"_

"_Wel, he camee in nd I sed 'OMG I MIST U!11' nd than he sed 'my hed hertz' and I sed 'I no wut wuld mke u feel bettr!1' and he said 'oh no, no, NEVER' nd I uset 2 luvv him butt now I dnt!1"_

Peter became frustrated. His face turned bright red with fury.

"I never said my head hurt. I was deafened by her obnoxious squeal! And she wanted to… And I simply refused! I'm not ready for that, Susan! She… she… she… she must be destroyed!"

Meanwhile, Maryellen Susannah was so bored upstairs that she decided to be smarter (the world is ending!). Peter stormed upstairs moments later, and when he barged into the room, said only one thing to Maryellen Susannah.

"YOU ARE SUCH A MARY SUE!"

"I am not a Mary Sue."

"YES YOU… wait, there's a serious lack of typos in that sentence."

"No, there isn't. I'm through with fooling around. I'm finished playing the clueless one. I want to be… myself. That's the only way you'll love me, Peter, isn't it?"

"Could you please explain what happened? You're scaring me."

"I have always been like this, but I never showed it. I concealed it beneath a veneer of stupidity, in hopes for more attention. I never received much as a child."

"Why not? Aren't you spoiled?"

"I am now. I was little when my parents died, My mother suffered for many years with cancer. My father killed himself. I moved from foster home to orphanage, back and forth, until I was finally adopted by the family I live with now. They knew of my woeful past, and gave me all I wanted to keep me happy. But all I ever really wanted was attention. So I played the fool. And I got what I wanted. Then I met you, Peter. You only loved me for the face I put on. The only way I could change that was to be myself."

"But this is a Mary Sue fic! There has to be a Mary Sue!"

"Or a Gary Stew."

"But…"

"Ohh! Peteykinz! I wuz nly kidin!1 Du u luvv me stil?/"

"Oh, Aslan, I almost wish you were smart again."

"OHH!1 I NEVR MIT AISLIN!11"


	10. Chapter 10

As if on cue, Aslan entered the room. And, as is customary for a Narnian Mary Sue, Aslan came to tell Maryellen Susannah that she was part of a prophecy, and that the fate of Narnia rested in her manicured hands, etc.

"_An evil witch shall cast a spell_

_That will bring eternal night._

_The sword wielding blonde one_

_Shall win a daunting fight._

_When the day becomes night and night remains,_

_The girl with a head of gold_

_Will save the fate of the mythical land,_

_As Aslan has foretold._

_Bathed in perfection, this heroine_

_Of which has saved the day_

_Will spread news of her victory_

_When she says…"_

"LYKE, TEH YAYYYYYYYY!11"

"Maryellen Susannah the Flawless, do you claim your duty as Savior of Narnia from the Eternal Darkness?"

"Lyke, teh yesss!11 I wil saiv Nornia frum teh Eturnil Darknis!1"

"Will you emerge victorious, or die trying?"

"Uhhh… do I rlli hve 2 diee?/ Cnt I jist win?"

Peter rolled his eyes and spoke with sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"Yes, that would be preferable."

"Than, lyke, teh I wil b viktorius!11"

"Then, you, Maryellen Susannah the Flawless will be crowned as High Queen of Narnia."

"Lyke, teh YAYYYY!11 Hi Kween ov Nornia!1"

"But Aslan…"

"Yes, Peter?"

"I'm High - Oh, no, don't tell me…"

"Tel him wut?/"

"Is she getting… married… to me?"

"OMG!1 TWOO LUVV!11"

Aslan nodded his head, a twinkle in his eyes.

"You two make quite an adorable couple."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Peace, High King. It is not so bad."

"Not so bad? Have you met _her_?"

Peter pointed vehemently at Maryellen Susannah, who was giggling gaily at the thought of being married to her "twoo luvv".

"Or have you been brainwashed too?"

Just then, Lucy came running up the stairs and into the room.

"Peter, is everything all right? ASLAN!"

Lucy ran to hug Aslan, to run her fingers through his soft golden fur.

"Oh, everything's just jolly, Lucy. I'm getting married to _her_."

Peter spat the word with disgust, distaste, and every other word synonymous.

"Peter, it might not be so bad."

"NOT YOU, TOO!"

Just then, Maryellen Susannah's struggling for air could be heard. Unfortunately, the room was diminutive and could not fit the High King of Narnia, the Future High Queen of Narnia, Queen Lucy the Valiant, and a large, majestic, talking lion in it. Maryellen Susannah, who was claustrophobic and asthmatic, began having a panic/asthma attack and was losing her cool.


	11. Chapter 11

"EVRY1!1 GIT OWT!1 I CNT BREETH!11"

Peter, who was annoyed and distressed with the thought of "Mary-ing" a Suethor, vocally jabbed at Maryellen Susannah.

"And we care because…?"

"BCUZ I HVE 2 SAIV NORNIA!1 NOW GIT OWT!111"

Lucy made the assumption that she was not welcome in the much-too-small room and left. As soon as she left, Maryellen Susannah's panic/asthma attack ended. Peter grumbled under his breath.

"Imagine living with that."

"Peteykinz, im srry I yelld at u."

"I'm sorry we're being united in Holy Matrimony."

"Lyke, teh LOL!1 Peteykinz, ur soooooo qt!1"

"Huh."

While "Peteykinz" was making malevolent plans to annihilate Maryellen Susannah, everything went black.

"LYKE, TEH WHOO TIRND OWT TEH LITES?/!11"

"YOU IDIOT! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE PROPHECY YOU JUST HEARD?"

"WUT PROFISY?//!111"

"OH, ASLAN! WE'RE DOOMED! NARNIA IS AT ITS END!"

"LYKE, TEH CHIL PETEYKINZ!111"

"'CHILL'? YOU WANT ME TO 'CHILL' WHEN THE FATE OF NARNIA DEPENDS ON YOU?"

"Yea!11"

"I'LL CHILL WHEN YOU GET YOU BUTT OUT THERE AND SAVE NARNIA!"

"I wil saiv Nornia!1 Aftur I dou my hare, maykup, putt on noo klose, nd eet a lofat ygourht!"

"JUST GRAB A SWORD AND GO!"

"Noooo!11 Silli!1 A sowrd iz nawt imortint!11 But I wil git 1!11"

Maryellen Susannah found it rather hard to apply makeup, find the perfect matching outfit, and eat a snack in the dark. So she set out on her journey on an empty stomach, wearing no makeup, and in the clothes she'd been wearing for the past hour. Her hand was as empty as her stomach and Peter ran after her, sword in his hand, calling.

"MARYELLEN SUSANNAH, YOU IDIOT! YOU FORGOT YOUR SWORD!"

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!1111"

Peter groped for Maryellen Susannah's hand, but instead found himself touching something else. Maryellen Susannah giggled.

"Peteykinz tht tiklz!1"

"Just take the sword, Maryellen Susannah. And your first name is too long. I'm getting rather sick of saying it."

"Lyke, teh thx Peteykinz!111"

Peter was then bombarded by kisses almost everywhere (it's hard to see in the dark). Had Maryellen Susannah been wearing her usual bright red lipstick, he would've been a bright cherry red all over. Good thing no lipstick was involved.

Peter found himself saying something he never though he'd say.


	12. Chapter 12

"I love you Maryellen Susannah."

Maryellen Susannah's kisses were incapacitating, and once again, Peter found himself in a Maryellen Susannah-induced daze.

"LYKE, TEH OMG!111 I LUVV U 2 PETEYKINZ!11"

Maryellen Susannah then ran off with a huge grin on her face, dragging her heavy sword on the ground.

"Be careful! And be sure to clean your sword!"

"Lyke, teh I wil! Nd Ill kleen my sowrd!11"

Peter sighed dreamily. If he were able to see Maryellen Susannah, he would've drooled so much you could fill the indoor swimming pool in Maryellen Susannah's room with it. Gross.

In the meantime, Maryellen Susannah was panicking. How was she to navigate if she couldn't see?

"Lyke, teh OMG!1 Houw m I sposed 2 fynd my waiy if I cnt c?//"

Thank you for repeating what I just said, Maryellen Susannah.

Anyway, Maryellen Susannah faced the most difficult situation of her life. Other than not knowing what shoes to wear with an outfit. She had to find who was blocking out the sun, and fight them. Without her sense of sight.

"Ths iz jst grate."

But much to her convenience, an elf-lady appeared (that's right, I'm throwing some Lord of the Rings into the mix).

"Lyke, teh OMG!11 Galdrial!11"

"Maryellen Susannah, my child. Refer to me as your mother."

"Lyke, ur my mommie?// AWSUM!111"

"My child, you have been granted an impossible task. I must help you. This is a light that will illuminate your path when all other lights go out."

"Bin their, dun tht!1"

"Just take it. You'll be able to see."

"Rlli!11 GIV ME IT!11"

"Ugh. Fine."

"Lyke, teh YAYYYYY!111 SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!1111"

"Yes, squee. I do not know how on Middle Earth we are related."

"Im ur dottr!1 Lyke, teh DUH!11"

"How did I produce a child like you?"

"Wuts prudoose?//"

"Lord of the Rings, help us all."

"Ok, sooo, lyke, houw duz ths ting wurk?/"

"You say a magical incantation."

"Wuts a in… ink… inkan… wut u sed?//"

"SPELL! A MAGIC SPELL!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!1111 Sooo wuts the inkan-tingy?//"

"Just say 'light, turn on, please' or something like that."

"Mmmk. Lite, tirn on, plz!111"

The magical elfish light ignited, revealing Maryellen Susannah's face. Maryellen

Susannah gasped as though she'd never seen a light before.

"Lyke, teh thx, Galdrial!1 I meen, mommie!111"

"Please, don't mention it."

"I wnt!111"

Maryellen Susannah then continued on her merry way. Since she was surrounded by trees, she remembered that some could dance and walk. And if they could do that, couldn't they talk?

"Hai, twees!111"

"Shut up!"

"Yeah, and put that light out!"

"Get outta here!"

"Yeah, nobody wants you here! There are too many typos in your dialogue!"

"You're just another Mary Sue!"

"Am nawt!"

"You are too! A Mary Sue! That means we don't like you!"

The rest began to chant.

"You are too! A Mary Sue! That means we don't like you! You are too! A Mary Sue! That means we don't like you! You are too! A Mary Sue! That means we don't like you!"

"Lissin 2 me, stoopid twees!111 1rst off, Im nawt a Maree Sooh! Idk wut tht iz!1 Soooo fale!11 Nd 2cond off, Im hear to saiv Nornia frum ths eturnil darknis!1 So sho sum rispekt!11"

"We're sorry, Miss… uh…"

Unlike every other creature or human being in Narnia, the trees (other than the one she climbed) didn't know Maryellen Susannah's name.

"My naiym iz Maryellen Susannah!1"

"Right, then. Our apologies, Miss High and Mighty Maryellen Susannah."

"Thts Hi Kween of Nornia 2 u!11"

"High Queen? Since when? We have not heard any word of High King Peter's marrying anyone."

"Thts Becuz Im the fyootir Hi Kween of Nornia!1111 Im gittin maried 2 Peteykinz!111 Lyke, teh DUH!1111"

"Peteykins? That's adorable!"

"IKR!111 SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!11"

Unfortunately, Maryellen Susannah selected the wrong moment to screech her joyous-victorious-excited-omg-I-just-got-a-new-pair-of-shoes noise.


	13. Chapter 13

"Hey! That's the noise that deafened old Johnny Oak over there!"

One of the trees pointed to a gnarled oak who shouted in reply.

"WHY IS EVERYBODY WHISPERING! MY HEARING AIN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE!"

Every tree within a three mile radius turned to face Maryellen Susannah, the perpetrator. Every tree heard her most recent "SQUEEEEEE!11" and was now staring her down with wooden eyes.

"I didnt dou tht!1"

"Just leave, blonde one."

"Yeah, leave Mary Sue!"

"Fyne!1 Im leevin!11 Nd im nawt a Maree Sooh!"

A boisterous cheer resounded from the trees.

"HOORAY!"

The poor, unaccepted (for once in her life) Maryellen Susannah stormed off, huffing and puffing (but not blowing houses down) the whole time.

After an hour of stomping aimlessly around the forest, Maryellen Susannah heard maniacal laughter from about five feet away. She stooped down, hid behind a bush, turned out the light that the elf-lady gave her, and eavesdropped (good job, Maryellen Susannah, I'm impressed).

"Alas, I am successful. I have blocked out the sun completely! And mother always liked Janice better! Who's more likely to succeed, now, mother?"

The maniacal laughter sounded again, sending chills down Maryellen Susannah's spine.

"But, Jadis, your highness, there is a prophecy about the blonde-headed chosen one."

"Malator, the answer to said dilemma is in the sentence. She is a _blonde_! Everyone knows that while men prefer blondes, brunettes are more superior, intellectually speaking."

Jadis cackled once more. Maryellen Susannah whispered inaudibly, nearly mouthing the words.

"Tht naiym sowndz fumilyur…"


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: Malator is a name I made up. It derives from the Latin word "malus" (evil) and "aduitor" (assistant). I tend to translate English words that describe the character into Latin when i can't think of a name.**

"Malator, you see, we've nothing to worry about. We are victorious already!"

"But, your highness…"

"Silence, you fool! Do not question my authority!"

"Yes, your highness."

Maryellen Susannah gripped her sword, ready to strike. Jadis' lack of faith in blondes was insulting.

"In no time, Narnia will be preserved in a winter wonderland for a hundred years more! With no interference from the Sons of Adam or the Daughters of Eve this time!"

Maryellen Susannah finally figured out who this Jadis person was. She mouthed the words once more,

"Itz, lyke, teh Wiet Wich!11"

Maryellen Susannah decided to follow Jadis (well, actually, she would follow her voice and the sound of her footsteps). She would wait for the perfect moment to strike.

"Yes, your highness. We will be triumphant!"

"Of course we will, you buffoon! I devised this plan!"

"Your last plan wasn't such a success…"

"Shut up!"

"Yes, your highness."

"I'm ashamed of you. If only Maugrim hadn't passed. If Maugrim were still here… we'd be unstoppable. But instead, I got stuck with this unreliable oaf!"

"Your highness, I have been reliable."

"SILENCE!"

There was a long pause. Maryellen Susannah sensed that the White Witch was nearer. The temperature dropped drastically. Maryellen Susannah could see her breath as she exhaled. She crouched even lower to avoid being seen. She snapped a twig and cursed silently.


	15. Chapter 15

"Did you hear that, Malator?"

"No, your highness."

"That is because you're deaf, you incompetent fool!"

Maryellen Susannah concluded that the White Witch was a "wiet bich" and was about ready to slaughter Jadis. Her impudence was beyond irksome.

"Now, stay absolutely still. Maybe we'll hear it again."

"Your highness, what if it's just an insect?"

"Insects don't break twigs, you idiot! Now shut up and listen!"

Dead silence ensued. Even Maryellen Susannah held her breath. Jadis then concluded that the sound was nothing at all.

"Nothing there. Now, Malator, tell me the rest of the plans."

Maryellen Susannah listened intently and wrote down what she heard on a pen and a pad of paper which conveniently appeared in her hand. Her penmanship was terrible for someone so perfect, and all the words were misspelled (is anyone surprised here?), but Maryellen Susannah could read it, and that was all that mattered.

"Excellent, Malator. When do we commence part two?"

"In seven days."

"Splendid."

Maryellen Susannah followed Jadis and Malator as they traveled onward.

"Come, Malator."

"Yes, your highness."

Maryellen Susannah was careful not to make a sound as she crawled behind bushes and ducking behind trees while remaining at least a few feet behind Jadis and her assistant.

"Malator."

"Yes, your highness?"

"Do you feel as though someone is… following us?"

"As a matter of fact, I do, your highness."

"Interesting."

Jadis and Malator both turned around abruptly. Fortunately, Maryellen Susannah (whose name the author is growing weary of typing) ducked behind a tree quickly enough.

"Your highness, I don't see anything."

"The forest is acting rather strange today."

"Indeed it is, your highness."

"Onward. We shall not be detained by these insufferable occurrences."

"Yes, your majesty."

Maryellen Susannah nearly let out a sigh of relief, but stopped herself. She didn't want to be caught by "Teh Wiet Bich!1".

Jadis and Malator resumed there promenade. Maryellen resumed stalking them, as quiet as possible (is anyone impressed that she could be this quiet for this long? No? Oh well, on with the Narnian Fanfic).

"Your highness, how is the forest acting strange? They're just trees."

"The trees aren't just trees. They're dryads - maidens of the trees. They can dance, sing, talk, and walk, just as you and I can. They're acting this odd because they're used to the sunlight, not the darkness we cast upon them."

"Interesting."

"Indeed."


	16. Chapter 16

Malator and Jadis were silent for a while. Maryellen Susannah's perfectly sized feet were beginning to ache, but even that was not enough to faze her in her quest to "saiv Nornia" (and marry her true love). So she continued onward, wincing with each excruciatingly painful step. Biting her lip so she would not scream or let out any sound, Maryellen Susannah cried silently for the first time in her life (she'd always been one of those loud criers that pretty much screeched your ears right off the sides of your head. Yeah, it's that bad for a Mary Sue). Her crystalline tears rolled delicately and gracefully down her cheek without a single sob.

"Malator, are we near the river yet?"

"Not yet, your highness."

Maryellen Susannah wished the two "eebul sykoz" would at least take a break, for her sake.

"How long till we are?"

"Another hour, your highness."

Maryellen Susannah nearly sobbed. Her poor feet would have to suffer this for another hour. This was pure torture for a barefooted Mary Sue.

"Malator, I am gratified that you are able to see in the dark. I'd be lost if I did not have you."

"Thank you, your highness."

"That was not a compliment. It was gratitude."

Maryellen Susannah (whose name of which the author is still tired of typing) was about ready to succumb. Her lip was oozing pink blood from having been bitten. Her feet would have calluses, corns, and all other disgusting foot problems. She was following two sinister people to their evil lair, no doubt, and she wished she was no longer the chosen one.

_Be strong._

Aslan's voice came into Maryellen Susannah's empty head, encouraging her, giving her strength.

_Aislin!11 Lyke, teh OMG!111 I dnt wana dou ths nemore!11_

_Have courage, chosen one. Narnia is counting on you._

_Y dou I hve 2 b teh choosin 1?////_

_Jadis does not think you can defeat her. She is arrogant and believes that this is an easy victory. You are at an advantage._

_Im a ad… adv… advin… advant… advantge cuz im stoopid?//_

_Yes._

Aslan only spoke the truth, and Maryellen Susannah was stupid. That was the truth. Maryellen Susannah, who never realized that she was stupid, was on the verge of whining and sobbing and breaking the Mary Sue Whining and Sobbing World Record (400 decibels. WOW). Even Aslan had called her stupid. Her life was over, every ounce of confidence drained from her sore body (that's saying something, Mary Sues tend to be extremely overconfident).

Biting her lip even harder than before, she could taste her pink blood (which tastes like cotton candy and smells like Chanel No. 12, by the way. Just thought you'd like to know). This was the most miserable point in her life. She was sore, hungry, tired, and was beginning to falter in her quest to rescue Narnia from the Eternal Darkness. She'd just figured out that she was stupid and "Peteykinz" wasn't there to bring her comfort. The chosen one remarked that her life was "lyke, teh rooind!1". The most dreadful part was yet to come. Still dragging her two pound sword, her nails and heart broken, Maryellen Susannah did the best she possible could to keep her head held high. Jadis and Malator were evading her. She needed catching up. Maryellen Susannah ran as fast as she could.

"Malator, tell me of this prophecy."

Jadis' voice faded in as Maryellen Susannah's silent running drew her nearer to Jadis and Malator.

"Certainly, your highness. Word for word?"

"Please."

Malator repeated the prophecy.


	17. Chapter 17

"_An evil witch shall cast a spell_

_That will bring eternal night._

_The sword wielding blonde one_

_Shall win a daunting fight._

_When the day becomes night and night remains,_

_The girl with a head of gold_

_Will save the fate of the mythical land,_

_As Aslan has foretold._

_Bathed in perfection, this heroine_

_Of which has saved the day_

_Will spread news of her victory_

_When she says 'LYKE, TEH __YAYYYYY!111'_"

"'Lyke, teh yayyyyyy'? Honestly? You see? This chosen one shall be easy to triumph over. There are typos in her speech. How is that possible?"

"Maybe she's so stupid, she misspells everything she says!"

"Which is exactly why she will be an easy victory. I say 'look, your nail is broken' she'll look, I'll strike, and I shall emerge glorious!"

Jadis, for the first time in a long time, laughed her malicious Mary Sue spine-chilling cackle. Maryellen Susannah made a mental note (WHAT?) not to fall for any of "teh wiet bichs trix!1111".

Maryellen Susannah, completely unaware that she was not supposed to speak, spoke entirely too soon.

"Thts wut u tink, wiet bich!11"

"Who said that?"

"Tiz I!11 Maryellen Susannah teh Flalis!111 Cum 2 difeet u!11"

"You? Defeat me?"

Jadis cackled at the though of a Mary Sue even attempting to fight her.

"But you're just a Mary Sue!"

"IM NAWT A MAREE SOO!11"

Maryellen Susannah, who had been called a Mary Sue numerous times, was fed up with it.

"Lyke, teh Imma mes u up!111"

"I'd love to see you try."

Maryellen Susannah struggled to lift up her sword for a few minutes, the White Witch laughing hysterically. This only "pist ohff!" Maryellen Susannah even more. Using Jadis' voice to locate her target, she lunged ferociously. Jadis, who had not been expecting to be attacked by a Suethor, was unprepared, unarmed, and had left her turn-everything-to-stone-because-I-think-I'm-cool wand at home. In one vicious and surprisingly accruate slash, Maryellen Susannah sliced off the White Witch's head (no need for the gory details, the author doesn't want to upchuck her insides). The ugly head fell to the floor along with the body (in slow motion; Mary Sues can do that), rolled on the dirty ground, and the White Witch was no more. Maryellen Susannah turned to Malator, who Maryellen Susannah realized was a fox.

"Y dou u werk 4 her?/ Shez meen 2 u!11"

"She also has my wife and children in captivity."

"Wel, their fwee nouw! Nd sooo r u!11 Nly if u dou 1 ting."

"What would that be, chosen one?"

"Wel, 2 tings akshuly. 1rst git rid ov tht ugleee hed!11 Nd 2cnd, breeng daiylite bak 2 Nornia!111"

"I will, chosen one."

Malator picked the head up from the ground by the stringy, creasy, just plain disgusting hair, and threw it an impressive distance. The body vaporized and was no more. Malator found a lever hidden in a bush, pulled it downward and hit a red button. Sunlight returned to the mythical land of Narnia. The final line of the prophecy was fulfilled.

"Lyke, teh YYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!1111111111111111111"

The dryads echoed back with a boisterous and gleeful "HOORAY!" and Maryellen Susannah, after cleaning her sword, ran back to Cair Paravel and was greeted by Peter's warm, loving, caring, affectionate, and somewhat awkward embrace.

"You did it!"

"IKR!1111"

"Blondie, we're so proud of you!"

Susan was beaming, and didn't look as plain as usual. Other than the smile, something was different.

"Did u swich ur prt?/// Lyke, teh OMG!111 It luks awsum!"

That evening Maryellen Susannah's dream came true. In a billowing frothy white silk wedding dress, she looked as elegant as ever. She was finally being wed to her "twoo luvv" and was rightfully being coronated High Queen of Narnia. Then she tripped over her fifteen inch Stilettos that she'd been saving for the occasion, fell unconscious, and woke up an hour later in the pink paradise that was her room.

No time had passed, but Maryellen Susannah was distraught.

"Lyke, teh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111 I nevr gott 2 giv Suzin a maykova!11111 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11111"

And thus concludes a day (twenty-four hours altogether in the real world; time moves slower in Narnia) in the life of a Mary Sue.


End file.
